This is kinda like the next episode of my last post.
Im so sorry for those who are expecting something super awesome, dramatic or glamorous from me and please bear with me if u find this post boring. But believe or not, my life has never been so blissful before. Im richly blessed, indeed! The true happiness and awesomeness of life are never defined by how many parties u attended, how many friends u have, how many hot guys u dated, but it is define by the things u've leant in the process of growing up in life, and through out the process, u found the true purpose and meaning of your life :)
Last Sunday, we sang this song "Jesus be the center" in church during worship. At first I really thought that this is just another worship song because Im actually quite familiar with this song. Right after the worship leader started the first verse of that song, "Jesus at the center of it all", the tears stream started to down on my face and I know it was the time for me to be completely honest to myself and to God as well.
I have been trying to escape myself from overcoming some issues in my life. Frankly speaking, my life is still full of pain, confusion, frustration and disappointment, and Im still struggling and wrestling, which has no contribution nor benefit to my mental disorder at all but will only make it worse. See, that's how stubborn and foolish I am and that's why I wonder how God could entrust the task of being His representative to imperfect person like me, and the amazing thing is, He even called me to be the salt and light of the world and He is actually making me His vessel. I guess this is how He shows me His glory, His grace and His forgiveness. Every time I think of this, I know that Im gonna just praise Him and worship Him until my last breath.
Alright, I've gone too far. Let's back to the topic. During the worship on last Sunday, I found out that I don't really mean my every song to God. Ouch! How sad is that and this is actually an insultation to Him! What the heck is that?!
But I really thank Him for the sermon from Elder Daniel. He was talking about Moses in the old testament. Moses was the only person who brave enough to stand in God's presence and he actually asked for God's glorious presence and His grace to help him in his journey of delivering the Israelites from bondage in Egypt to the promised land. How daring and awesome was that?! I mean in Moses' time, no one could stand in God's glory because God is so holy and could never stand sin, ever! But of course now with the blood of Jesus we can always freely go into His glorious presence :)
Elder Daniel was saying if a person really know who God is, as in has a close relationship with God but not only know about God through the word of mouth or media, will not keep blaming or questioning God about the circumstances and obstacles in life but they will just invite God to walk with them in life and ask for His grace to help them overcome all the problem and obstacles.
Ouch!! Can u believe that me, as a child of God, to one's surprise always question God and blame God for the obstacles in life. Another insultation to God! What the heck is this?!
It reminded me of my conversation on the phone with Tim the other night when I was really frustrated and confused.
Me: I know God is always with me but I couldn't hear anything from Him now. His love will never change, right?
Tim: Of course! He remains silent doesn't mean that He doesn't love you anymore. He wants you to just trust Him.
Me: I know, but I don't feel Him at all :(
Tim: No, u are going too far. Can I say that you are not my jie jie when you keep quiet? No, right?
Me: I know, but I need to feel His presence
Tim: God's identity is never defined by the circumstances. No matter what, He is still our God, until our last breath, He is still is!
Me: Then why I feel my life is slowly falling apart and turning into pieces? Im confused and life is difficult.
Tim: Yes, life is difficult without God. You need to go back to Jesus. His yoke is always easy and His burden is always light. When you feel stress, that means you are departing from God. Don't ever do that :)
Me: Raymond told me exactly the same thing.
Tim: That means God is speaking to you through me and Raymond gor gor. You must listen.
Me: How bout depression?
Tim: You can never fight depression alone, but God can. Rest in Him and let God take over. It's gonna be effortless. Always remember that Jesus at the center of our life and He is in control of everything :D
I think u can see that I always use "I know" in the conversation. Yes, I know, I truly know and I know it very well. BUT!!! All of that are just some head knowledge that I suppose every Christian would know and even a kid has learnt it in Sunday school. :(
Here's the thing. I have the knowledge of "Jesus is the solid foundation of my life" in my head but not in my heart. I can sing a very amazing worship song about His love and His goodness, I can pray a very long prayer that sounds very holy and awesome, and I can even preach about "Jesus, the solid rock" to my friends. In fact I did i, I even shared about this in my corporate law final report. Praise the Lord for such a great opportunity.
But so what? I sounds like and look like a very good and faithful Christian ONLY. Only both God and me myself know that my spirit is dying soon if I continue to act like this. In other words, my life and my walk with God are form over substance. :( Im so sorry, Lord!
And I started to ask myself this question. Is Jesus at the center of my life? Is Jesus the foundation of my life?
Sadly, my answer is no :(
My life is actually being captured by academinc performance, fame, wealth, etc :( and the foundation of my life is no longer God's value but the worldly value and some values that created by my own. There is a few times I stand in front of my mirror and think that Im just gonna be another fat, ugly, pathetic, worthless and good-for-nothing ordinary girl until the last beat of my heart.
Im actually using my own strength to overcome the obstacles in my life, and I thought that Im relying on God's strength and God's grace. No wonder I got so tired and frustrated.
Thank God for the wake up call He given to me through the sermon and thank God that He spoke to me through Tim and Raymond. If not I think I will just continue to sleep for the rest of my life and totally forgotten about "Arise and Shine".
If Im that perfect, smart, awesome, fabulous, superb and outstanding that I can conquer the every obstacle that I have in life, then what for I need the grace of God? In this case, God's grace is no longer relevant to me.
It's because of how imperfect, fragile, pathetic, tiny, insignificant I am make me see how perfect, strong, joyful, awesome, magnificent and glorious He is.
The good news is, I can always trade in all the imperfection of me and my life to the Lord with His strength, His joy, His anointing power, and His glory. This explains why Christian always pray "the less of me and the more of you in my life" :D
And one thing very important and creepy that I've forgotten!
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. --Galatians 2:20
That means the fragile Jasmine has already died in the baptism tank and buried on 15th March 2011. She has died for more than a year!!! Can u imagine that I have been dragging the dead body walking around for more than a year? This is so darn CREEPY!!!!
I have to remind myself that my life is definitely not a horror movie but a romantic comedy. Im so gonna throw the dead body into a coffin, nail it properly and bury it!
I guess my assignment for this week is learn to trust in Him and completely surrender my life into His mighty hands.
Frankly speaking, I have no deisre to do that at all :( but Im gonna ask Him to give me the desire to let Him take over of everything.
I guess the song, Potter's Hand is going to be my prayer for this week.
Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
Im ready to give my life to the Potter's hand, for good
From my heart to the heaven, Jesus be the center. It's all about You. Yes, it's all about you
I want my life to be just all about His love, His grace, His faithfulness, His forgiveness, His tender mercy and His promises. And Im looking forward for the day when my jasmine fragrance spread abroad, abroad and abroad.....to testify the perfect love of God :)